Confessed Envy, Soothed by Hope

Am I jealous? Yes, I am. God knows that I know it’s wrong.  I am a Christian. I’m a devout believer. I should not be envious. I should walk in peace and faith, knowing that all things that happen and have happened work together for my good.

Yet, the bible says, “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed…” So here I am confessing. If I can be transparent for a moment, at times I wish that I had not met him.  I wish that he had not pursued me. I wish that I had not pursued him back.

I loved him. I thought that he loved me.  If I truly reflect on it, I think he did.  By the grace of God, I’ve been able to release a lot of unforgiveness and resentment by coming to believe that he loved me the best way he knew how.  I think he believed that he really did love me.  Our versions of love were just very different.

I just don’t think it’s fair. Why is it that I sacrificed and compromised so much of myself–the things I wanted, boundaries that went unset, needs that went unmet, without receiving anything from him in return except a lack of appreciation.

I remained home, took care of our children, went without, continued to be neglected and looked down upon by him, supporting him and sacrificing self while he followed his dreams.  All the while I’m wondering when it was going to be my turn?

Waiting for him to cover the shame of being an unwed mother by holding to his promise of marriage and commitment, made long before our babies were born, I continued to drown in anxiety, fear, and hurt.

So now he lives the life I wanted with him with someone who didn’t earn it.  He travels, he takes time to enjoy family and friends with her,  he takes the time to try new things and steps outside of his comfort zone, allowing her to witness and be apart of his growth. He’s giving her the love, respect, and regards that he failed to give me–the mother of his children who loved him dearly.

I was left with all the bad (with the exception of our children)–the pain, the betrayal, the neglect, the disdain, the shame, the loss.  I earned the title of his wife.  I earned trips out of the country.  I earned the ability to leave my job, stay at home, and pursue my personal dreams and goals. So why is she enjoying the fruits of my labor?

I’ve struggled to provide for our daughters and myself, I’ve continued to go without the things a woman would want to do and have so that our daughters can have the things they need. I balance full-time work, motherhood, and life all by myself.  I am the one that has to give it all at my job, and then come home and give it all to my girls–still having enough in help them with homework, cook dinner, talk to them about their day, reassure them when they’re feeling insecure or afraid, clean and take care of the house, plan, come of with funds for activities and school events, etc. I bear the financial, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual weight of being a single parent while they live a comfortable life together–having the girls on the weekends, holiday, and summer breaks when it doesn’t take as much structure, discipline, finances, and effort to take care of them.

So you see, we Christians deal with the same things unbelievers do.  We encounter the same experiences, the same emotions, the same trials.  We’re just expected to respond to them as opposed to reacting.  We are expected to pull from our faith and have hope. We are to remember that our Jesus are bigger than our problems. We are to take heart in our situations and remember how blessed we are–especially compared to what our lives could be (on the lesser side of things).

When I begin to fee envious, I grasp hold of scriptures that will medicate and help me on my journey of healing from that envy. For this is only but a season. I believe that my sins are forgiven. I believe that God is very much attuned to my heart. He knows who I am and who He’s called me to be.  This is just a season. I have learned and am still learning and growing. He will give me beauty for my ashes, and a crown of joy for my morning.  My shame and dishonor will be turned to honor. The seeds that I’ve sown will produce a harvest. For I am His child.  He loves me, and will not suffer me to  continued frustration and lack. I have victory in Him–now and forever.

Isaiah 61: 1-4 “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion–to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord, for the display of his splendor.”

Proverbs 23: 17-18 ” Do not let your heart envy sinners but always zealous for the fear of the Lord.  There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.”

Proverbs 14:30 “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones.”

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